Quick – what do three instances of parents abandoning their families, five counts of animal abuse, and a bootlegging enterprise have in common? The obvious answer would be a highly unstable family engaging in very questionable activities. After watching the Jan. 7 Comedy Sportz game, however, new insight was provided for this archaic and time-honored question.

An audience primarily consisting of the SDA demographic (though with scattered pockets of stray LCC students like wounded zebras) gave the SDA team a clear home court advantage against its Maverick rivals.

 Despite this, the LCC team did surprisingly well, even gaining a head start in the early aspects of the game with their crowd-pleasing scene First Line Last Line, where the audience-suggested lines “Will you marry me?” and “We don’t have enough graham crackers for the s’mores!” were the catalyst for a frenzied dialogue.  Junior Danny Birmingham and senior Paige Santangelo struggled to prepare a dinner literally fit for a king in order to impress the royalty into giving Birmingham a regal internship. “Remember our mantra? Remember what we always say?” Birmingham shouted to his partner as she tried to follow along. “Don’t… make… bad… food!”

Unfortunately, the LCC team was hardly a match for the SDA juggernaut. The players were clearly no stranger to the art of improvisation (not even newcomer Kira Harland, junior, who joined the team after halftime) as they held the lead throughout the evening.

SDA players Daniel Kusher and Russell Anderson, seniors, ushered in the game’s pinnacle with their extremely entertaining contributions to the scene Foursquare. The pair bickered over Anderson’s character’s repeated attempts to place foreign items in their toaster, the scene reaching its culmination when Kusher cried, “Do you know what I found in there today? Another toaster!”

The night eventually came to a close, with SDA announced, unsurprisingly, as the victor. The score: 52 – 46. Well done.