Being a senior who thinks he’s much funnier than he really is, I am often inundated with disapproving e-mails after each issue. Responding to these takes up almost as much time as my primary job: coming up with punny headline titles, a very labor intensive job. With hours of on-the-job experience, I feel that I am qualified to share with everyone how to respond to haters.

First thing you always want to do when you recognize a piece of hate mail is to find out who sent it. Fortunately, some people are dumb confident enough to use their own e-mails and through some “back channels”, you should be able to find their phone number, address, car make and model, debit card number and security code, mother’s maiden name, internet search history, social security number, and how they like their burger at In-N-Out. Same rules apply if it turns out you are friends with the hater, only you have to throw a brick (or equivalently threatening object) through their bedroom to show that your relationship will never be the same.

You may ask, “What if they use an anonymous e-mail?” It doesn’t matter. You tell them you know who they are, that you are going to find them, and that you are going to do “make them regret ever living.” I’ve yet to see exactly what it does, but I’m sure it sends shivers down their timbers.

Once you’ve sent all the necessary info to the hackers, you now must construct your response. Here’s a real email I received today:

From: kpg20@gmail.com

To: sdamustang@gmail.com

Subject: CAF sucks

Hello,

I’ve noticed that the person in charge of CAF is really not that funny. In fact, he makes me kinda disgusted. Hear that? That was the sound of me retching at his jokes. Bllluuuuuuurrtgggggghhhhhhhhh. Please replace him with someone more competent. Like me. I’m way funnier.

Thanks,

A Person Who Thinks He Knows What’s [expletive] Funny

[sorry I added that last bit]

Wow what a terrible person, right? So the first thing you have to figure out is what they hold most dear. It can be a family member, a pet dog, a beloved heirloom, or an object containing a portion of their soul. Then you threaten to destroy them. It’s as simple as that. So let’s write the reply together.

To: kpg20@gmail.com

From:sdamustang@gmail.com

Subject: Re: CAF Sucks

kpg20,

I understand your concern for the quality of the newspaper, but I have to say your opinion is wrong. In fact, it’s insulting. And you’re not going to get away with this.

You think you can hide behind the internet? I know who you are. I know where you go every weekend (the beach), what Mexican restaurant you go to and what kind of burrito you like (California Burrito at Juanita’s), and I know where you live (okay, I don’t know the address but I, like, know the general area). And you know what I’m going to do those places? I will burn them. And your family members? Your pet dog? BURNED.

Don’t say another bad thing about me ever again or the whole neighborhood you live in will get it.

Sincerely,

Dylan Hendrickson

The Best Damn CAF Editor That Ever Was

The last step of the process is persistence. If they don’t respond to you with total submissiveness, you have to ramp it up. There is always a breaking point. Here’s some words/phrases that will get your audience’s attention and will make them bend your way:

“Go full Hulk”

“Anthrax”

“Join a Chechen rebel group”

“I know a navy seal with 300 confirmed kills and he will rip you”

“MH370”

“I am literally Shia LeBeouf”

With these examples, you should be on your way to establishing your dominance.