I’ll just be blunt: I really don’t like people saying “bless you.” And it’s not because I’m a die-hard atheist and can’t handle any kind of mention, smell, or taste of the “G” word. It’s because it makes me really nervous.

Yeah, it’s kind of dumb, but hear me out.

Here’s an example train-of-thought:
Sneeze

I really don’t need for someone to say–

“Bless you.”

“bless you”

“Bless you”

“Bless you.”

“Bless you or whatever”

Ugh, now I have to say thank you. Do they even want to be thanked? It might just be one of those “I don’t need to thank you for anything but for noticing that I sneezed, which to be honest doesn’t need any attention drawn to it in the first place because it’s not like I wanted to sneeze.”  If I wanted all this attention, I would have already made an “oops-was-that-accidentally-racist?” remark. I guess they did go out of their way to say something nice…

“Uh, thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome!”

Am I supposed to say something after that? Am I supposed to say “no thank you” or “you’re welcome” like the way you battle for the check, constantly grabbing at each other’s throats for the end-all-say-all of perfunctory politeness? Does it just end like that? Does it?

Shift uncomfortably.

And it’s not like this strange and terse conversation has to happen. The coincidental meetings between you and the way cooler kinda-friend have to happen. Weird and abrupt talks with your semi-estranged family members have to happen. It’s not the awkwardness I’m against but the forced nature of having a conversation about how my nose wanted to blow something out. It’s like having to say something whenever anyone yawns, or if you’re bringing Shrek to this conversation, an audible fart.

And we all know that there is a power dynamic in who gives and receives the “bless you.” I don’t want to get into it with too much detail, lest I sound like a bitter loser complaining about my oh-so important social status, but there is definitely something fishy about the people who receive the blessings and those who don’t.  And if we are to consider ourselves wholesome Americans, people who look past the superficiality and look purely at the character (just like colleges!), it’s crucial that we abandon this barbaric act of class warfare.