Every year SDA provides the opportunity for students to attempt to resolve one of the most important first world questions of the times. No, this is not a question of economics, chickens and eggs, existential ponderings, or even a question posed as part of the search for meaning in life. No, this question prompts us to consider years of history as well as our personal beliefs and inclinations. The question is this: Pirates or Ninjas?

Pirates vs. Ninjas Day has become a yearly event during which the most passionate students dress as their chosen preference to show their support. Whether your lack of certainty kept you from participating this year, you mistakenly have decided to travel the path of the ninja, or you are a devout pirate, I would like to settle your questions once and for all.

Although my heart has always pulled me toward the lifestyle of the pirate, I recognized that it would be important to search for available information to provide support for such an emotional idea. After spending only a few minutes on Wikipedia, my suspicions of pirate superiority were affirmed.

Wikipedia defines piracy as “an act of robbery or criminal violence at sea,” but their stories extend much further. These tales are underrepresented and are, quite frankly, some of the most high in badass content and mystery of all of the stories of history, comparable to stories such as “The Princess Bride,” which contains five of the essential two servings of wonder that should be consumed as a part of a healthy daily diet.

Among some of these stories, Wikipedia referenced the stories of the two female pirates, Anne Bonny and Mary Read, who shared one particularly mysterious story among their plethora of adventures. After being thrown in jail, the two “stalled their death sentences by claiming to be pregnant. Read died in… [jail. Many] …believe of a fever or complications of childbirth. Bonny disappear[ed] from the record entirely.” Who knows where she went? Maybe she escaped and roams the seas to this day.
This story is just one of many from “The Golden Age of Piracy.” I’ve never heard of a “Golden Age of Ninjacy.” I don’t think there is one. Take that ninjas.

And don’t even get me started on the subject of morals. The Pirate Code, as every good pirate knows, is a book of rules and laws laid down by the pirate brethren long ago. Though each crew may have its own…interpretation of the beloved codex, each pirate lives and dies by this most sacred of books. Ninjas, on the other hand are merely the less honorable counterparts to the bushido-loving samurais; a group of lawless mercenaries doing the jobs too dishonorable for the true heroes of Japanese history.

Forever the henchmen of the higher ups, ninjas knew nothing of the benefits of selfish pursuit of booty. What good is the extension of pointless war? Better to spend your time plundering the wealth of nations, or corporate giants, if you ask me.

Which brings me to my final point. As long as there is a divide between rich and poor, piracy will continue to exist. Funny that the warriors that pride themselves on adapting to situations have failed to adapt to the times. When was the last time you heard of a vicious ninja attack on the news? Their once sacred art has been lost among a sea of suburban sprawl, convenience stores, and Laundromats, forever constrained to marshal arts studios and cheesy kung fu movies only available on VHS. When it comes to a question of who would win, the answer is clear: Pirates already have.

Read the opposing opinion here!