There I was amidst the glorious fluorescent kingdom that is The Dollar Tree, a place that turns thoughts of “who would ever want this mesh Instant Back Support accessory” to realizations that your back has, in fact, been hurting lately and it is after all only one dollar.  I cautiously proceeded, gazing wistfully at the man sniffing the fake flowers outside the door.  Once inside, I was captivated by the amount of green that caught my eye.  Green shirts. Green signs. Green iPod earphones in the employees’ ears. 

I walked up and down the Candles and Frames aisle and overheard that—

“THE WOW! ITEM OF THE WEEK IS HARDCOVER BOOKS.”

—Moving onto the snack aisle to get my usual poison of Limon Lays Potato Chips (also green), I found myself standing next to a woman who was casually grazing the Chocolate and Misc. Candy section with a $1.00 (plus tax) toothbrush in her right hand.  I felt comforted surrounded by my people, my “homies” so to speak.

Wanting to appear more healthy I grabbed a mini box of Honeycomb Cereal (which is, after all, a part of a balanced breakfast)—

“THE WOW! ITEM OF THE WEEK IS HARDCOVER BOOKS.”

—and contemplated adding a bag of Chester’s Generic Cheese Crisps to my growing pile of calories.  (Chester’s, by the way, is a hidden gem often confused with Cheetos—but make no mistake, Chester the Chester’s Cheetah is very different from Chester the Cheeto’s Cheetah.) 

Feeling confident with my choices after picking up a bag of Marvel Comics gummies, I continued to—

“THE WOW! ITEM OF THE WEEK IS HARDCOVER BOOKS.”

—very sneakily spy on my fellow shoppers.  I overheard a group of elementary school kids gossiping, and maintained my cover of eavesdropping by very casually reading “Two for One!” Christmas cards in September.  They were mulling over a purchase of Ooey Gooey Body Parts—   

“THE WOW! ITEM OF THE WEEK IS HARDCOVER BOOKS.”

—which led me to wonder what I would buy if I were in Dollar Tree with no supervision.  Oh yeah, a bunch of snack food and Marvel Comics gummies. 

I made my way to the front of the wondrous haven for the generic brand adventurers like myself, and proceeded to check out.  I was about to ask the clerk if had heard that the Item of the Week was hardcover books, but he promptly finished checking me out in record time and proceeded to very gracefully punch the pile of carts next to him before I had the chance to enlighten him.

When I got home from my adventure into snack land, I realized that I did not, in fact, have a hardcover book—or any book for that matter—to read while I ate my Honeycomb cereal.