If you read our first piece in The Pony, Makenzie and I had no idea about each other’s sports. Though she doesn’t understand volleyball, and I will never understand basketball, we have one thing in common. We don’t get golf. So below are our humble attempts at looking like normal-sports-obsessed humans.

How does scoring work?

Makenzie: Isn’t it the lowest score wins? Whenever my dad plays he always gets a score of like 100 but the pros get in the negatives… And there’s all those birdies and bogies or whatever they’re called too.

Drew: Mini-golf taught me that lowest is the desired score. Also anytime someone loses and makes a crappy joke about “we’re playing golf rules right hahaha?” Nobody thinks that funny. You lost.

Real Rule: Lowest score wins!

Difference between lateral and regular water hazards?

Makenzie: Does lateral mean sideways? I know a water hazard probably has something to do with water. OHH I bet it’s the lake things in the middle of the course and you have to hit over them. No clue what a lateral hazard is though.

Drew: Lateral = ladder? Do they put like trees on the course to stop the ball? And a water hazard is a lake or pond. I’m dumb but not that dumb.

Real Rule: A water hazard is any form of lake, pond, ditch, etc.. Some may be filled with water, others may not. A lateral water hazard is a water hazard or that part of a water hazard so situated that it is not possible to drop a ball behind the water hazard.

What do you have to do if you hit a ball in the bunker?

Makenzie: 99.9 percent sure these are the sand things. I used to go on to golf courses and play in them and then I would get yelled at and then they would go rake the sand pit so I’m sure the players have to do that too.

Drew: You gotta hit it out? They seem inconvenient either way. I mean sand in your shoes is not okay!

Real Rule: If you hit your ball in the bunker, you are allowed to walk in it, as long as you rake up your footsteps later.

How much time do you have to search for a lost ball?

Makenzie: There should be no limit but it’s probably like 15 minutes or something. Golf people are impatient.

Drew: THAT’S A THING? Get a new one maybe?

Real Rule: A player has five minutes to search for a lost ball.

What is the order of play?

Makenzie: I think it’s the person who has their ball farthest to the flag. Because it’s totally logical for the person in last place to go first.

Drew: I know this because my brother was into golf once: farthest away goes first. Take that golf kids. I do have remote knowledge.

Real Rule: Whoever is farthest from the hole gets to go first. If someone breaks that order, another player is allowed to cancel the shot and the offended player will have to re-do it.

What does a caddie do?

Makenzie: It’s the guy that drives the golf cart around. I was always jealous of them because I like driving the carts. Vroom vroom. He carries your clubs for you too.

Drew: It’s your homie with your clubs. Also they pull that flag at the end out. Side question: do you become close friends with your caddie like a friend or old guy mentor? Or are they like semi-pro hopefuls and you have secret feuds?

Real Rule: Caddies not only carry a player’s bag for them, but provides them with moral support and insightful advice.

What are each of these golf clubs called?

Club 1

Makenzie: PUTTER!!!! That’s the only club you get in mini golf.

Drew: This one’s a putter I’ve been to Boomer’s honey.

Answer: Club 1 is a putter!

Club 2

Makenzie: Wood iron? I know the small ones are irons but it doesn’t really look like that. We’ll roll with it anyways.

Drew: This one is a wooden club so… wooden club? I mean that’s all I got but let’s call it Tree-smasher or something cool instead of just wood club.

Answer: Club 2 is a wood!

Club 3

Makenzie: This one’s a wedge I think. Don’t you use these when you get stuck in the sand and then you hit the ball and the sand goes all WOOOSH?

Drew: This one is wedged so I’m gonna guess wedge club but the 4th one is a wedge too? What’s the difference? Final answer is special driver (for the smaller sides).

Answer: Club 3 is an iron!

Club 4

Makenzie: This one is an iron, taking a wild guess. Idk man the 3rd and 4th one look really similar but I know there’s one that’s called iron.

Drew: Based on my last answer, Club 4 is probably just a normal wedge club.

Answer: Club 4 is a wedge!

Club 5

Makenzie: OOOOO this one lets you hit really far. I think you hit with this club first. It’s called a driver.

Drew: I know this one!! After reaching back into my Wii Sports memories, I can confidently say this is a driver. Thanks Wii!

Answer: Club 5 is a driver!

Whether we learned anything at all is your opinion, but next time we play mini-golf, Makenzie and I are coming straight for a Tiger Woods title. Or whatever the heck a winner in golf gets.