“American Horror Story:” Season Six Episode Six

Things are getting dramatic, but not in the way you would expect; it’s the worst (or best) type of drama – reality TV drama. In this universe, everything that we saw was actually a show called “My Roanoke Nightmare.” And it was a massive success with nearly 23 million viewers.

Due to this massive success Sidney, the network executive who produced the show, decides to ride off its success and create a special called “Return to Roanoke: Three Days in Hell.” First of all, what an asshole. He knows that, whether it was real or not, Shelby and Matt were horrifically tortured by their experience in Roanoke – how could he ever possibly think that they would came back? Second of all, the fact that Matt, Shelby and Lee actually agreed to come back was so strange. Why? Why are they willing to go back? Are you people trying to get killed? They know what happens in that house. If they go back to that house they deserve to die – natural selection. The world doesn’t need your stupidity in the gene pool.

Now, Shelby kind of has a reason for going back. She cheated on Matt with the actor who played Matt in “My Roanoke Nightmare,” and she thinks that if she goes to the house she’ll be able force him to talk to her. But what is more important to you Shelby? Your life or your already failing marriage? Of all the ways to reconnect with the man you cheated on, you think going back to place where you almost died is the best choice? Also, Matt has no reason to want to come back to that house, other than a death wish. So the fact that he agrees feels so unrealistic.

Nevertheless, Shelby, Matt, Lee and the actors that played them (including Evan Peters- score!) all agree to be locked in the house for three days – during the blood moon cycle. You know that time of year when all the Roanoke ghosts are active and bloodthirsty for idiot people blood? All the actors don’t believe in the Roanoke story, but who can blame them. They filmed the series after the blood moon, meaning there were no ghosts seeking to consecrate the land with their blood. But boy, are those non-believing actors going to change their minds.

As Sidney is constructing the house and getting it ready for “Return to Roanoke,” already creepy things are going on. Weird things like people getting their heads cut off, fetal pigs arranged in a circle – damn damn it, we will never be done with the pigs! Of all the people in this show, there is only one person who is smart enough to see the signs that, wow, something creepy is telling us to leave so I’m going to leave. That person is Sidney’s assistant. The saddest part, though, is that while she’s the first to be smart and leave, she’s also immediately killed by the Pig Man (yay he’s back).

Her death was actually quite terrifying. In her car she’s recording herself talking, when she sees a mysterious figure to the side of the rode. While she does the smart thing and says, “I’m not sticking around to find out who that is,” almost immediately after that, the Pig Man attacks her in her car – but it’s not a quick kill. As the viewer of the video recording, you see him thrashing her around in the car and it looks so realistic that it’s terrifying. Almost all the horror jump scares in this episode look like they could happen to anyone. Usually when a character is gutted and sacrificed in the North Carolinian forest, you can’t imagine that ever happening to you. Most death and violent scenes in this season are so stylized and obviously a show, a scary show but still a show. It’s scary, but not personally scary. I’ll admit that after this episode it was hard to walk around my house in the dark without imagining the Pig Man grabbing me from behind and killing me off.

Moving on, it’s revealed that one of the reasons Sidney is so hell bent on doing this show is because he wants to get Lee to admit to murdering her ex-husband. It also doesn’t hurt that when you stick a bunch of people who don’t like each other in the same house it gets really dramatic and within the first night a fight has already broken out. There’s nothing viewers love more than seeing two people fight over nothing. It’s called reality TV for a reason.

Then Evan Peters, who plays Rory, is killed by the two nurses in the house and finally they complete spelling MURDER. R is for Rory and I couldn’t be sadder. We’re also told that, by the end of the three nights, everyone else in the house dies except for one. Wow, everyone dying in “American Horror Story.” Like we haven’t seen that before.

Like any good cliff hanger we’re not told who survives but we do know one thing for certain: the Butcher is out for blood.

Tune in next Wednesday at 10 p.m. to see the seventh episode of “American Horror Story: Roanoke,” and witness some more people being killed by some more pig people.