Why would you want to kill two birds?
Surfer: Cause I hate birds. If I could do three, I would do three.
Skater: You wouldn’t. Unless you could with one stone cause that’s damn impressive.

Surfer, I dislike animals just as much as the next guy. When someone tries to show me a picture of a cat eating a banana or a video of a baby goat standing up on its own spindly kid legs for the first time, I feel emotionless. Sometimes irritated, even, that they are imposing their dumb animal videos on me. I am an important person. Why would I have time for your intrusive look-at-this-dog-nursing-this-baby-bat posts on my Facebook newsfeed when I’m trying to procrastinate on my homework? It’s similar to how people start cooing and cuddling over an infant child. What did that baby do to earn your respect? Be born? Be cute? I’ve been born, not to mention quite adorable, for at least seventeen years now and no one applauds me for peeing in the toilet or eating bananas or being able to walk. So I can understand your animosity towards the birds. Maybe you, too, feel neglected when your friends start paying more attention to those flying turkeys than the human right next to them who laughs politely at their bad jokes and tells them of course they should buy that burlap jumpsuit with green trim; it looks GREAT. But is killing three birds the right answer? Are there any real answers to any of these questions? No. But minus 30 points anyway (ten for each dead bird, blah blah blah) cause I don’t want people to think I actually condone the stoning of animals; I have an image to uphold.

Skater, I don’t quite understand. If you didn’t want to kill the birds in the first place, why would you make the effort just because you could do so with one stone? I guess I don’t really expect you to have the answer. I know you are just trying to say something clever so that you may earn points. But I really want to know. Why kill the birds? Why? For dinner? Are you a bird collector? I really, genuinely don’t understand. Wouldn’t we be better off saying ‘spear two pancakes with one fork,’ or ‘wipe two spills with one towel’? Eating pancakes and cleaning messes is justifiable. Maybe I’m just a G-rated weenie, but what would you do with that birdie carcass? Plus no points because I have gained no new insight from your answer.

What do you say when someone says you’re in denial, but you’re not?
Surfer: I’d say I’m in California. Denial is in Egypt.
Skater: You deny it…and then realize you have a problem.

Surfer, as I am an expert on humor and comedy, I get what you are trying to say. Really, truly, I do. You are making a play on words about denial, the Nile river, etc. (Doesn’t a joke get a lot funnier once someone explains why it’s funny?) But what if someone takes it the wrong way? What if someone misunderstands you and thinks you are making a generalization about denial in Egypt? Not that I know what’s happening over there anymore (there must not be anything going on in the world now that the Olympics are over), but you’ve got to watch out for those uninformed readers who don’t take the time out of their day to keep up with current events. Even in jest, we at The Mustang like to make sure we offend nobody. But I know you were just having a little fun. Plus 10 points for your really quite clever and original pun, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it anywhere until now.

Skater, that sounds like the beginning of a problem, not a solution. Some readers come to this column for legitimate answers and advice, but you’ve just left your (my) dear fans hanging. If they follow your words as religiously as they do mine, they will find themselves in a sticky situation. What would they do after denying their denial? Blame this column for whatever misdirection and love me just a little bit less than they did before? Unlikely; their feelings are unwavering. But still. Minus 20 points for putting my untarnished image in jeopardy.