Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Surfer: Life is our stage.
Skater: Because the system is corrupted.

Wow, Surfer, what a beautiful take on life. Life is our stage, the world is our oyster! Yes, yes, that’s all well and good. But what about my question? I need a for-real answer for this for-real life problem. None of that hippie-trippy romantic crap. I mean, as a smart person myself, known to utter many a memorable quote/insight, I understand that you’re saying something very wise: does it even matter where we ‘recite’ or ‘play’, as long as we are producing art and enjoying the fruits of our labor? What is life, if not to create and subsequently consume those creations? That is all rather brilliant of you (by which I obviously mean ME), but I ain’t here to stand around with our heads in the clouds (my hair wouldn’t stand the humidity) and talk in circles about life and whatnot just to fill the silence with my voice. I need real answers: cold, hard, factual information. Minus 20 points for being the idealist you didn’t realize you were until I came along to tell you like it is. (You’re welcome.)

Skater, when I think back to my sub par performances in the plays and recitals of my youth (not to say I wasn’t stellar, but sometimes I’ve gotta let other people shine so I that I seem humble), I don’t remember any strange going-ons, or agents confusing the public into mixing up their verbs in some strange manipulative ploy that went all the way to the top. However, despite the unstable vibe I usually get off of conspiracy theorists, I trust your answer. I asked for cold, hard facts, and, however inaccurate they may be, you delivered. Plus 51 points (shout out to the aliens in Nevada).

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Surfer: A mother’s milk.
Skater: Sex.

Surfer, for some reason that answer is really pleasing to the ear. At the tender, yet hardened age of seventeen, I no longer really like to think of anyone’s mother’s milk (least of all my own). But there is something very wholesome about your answer. Reminds me of the good ol’ days on the prairie (who knows what the hell a prairie is, but it sounds like a nice place to be). Thanks for bringing back memories of a place I’ve never been (if that’s not the translated title of the next Foreign Film Oscar winner, I don’t know what is). Plus 75 points for bringing me pure and unadulterated joy.

Skater, that’s really innovative of you. How avant-garde. With all the high school kids featured in this column, I’m surprised not a single one of them before you has given “Sex” as their monosyllabic, super-edgy answer (that I know of. Did this paper even exist before I was on it, though?) I don’t know what kind of statement you are trying to make, but this is almost so ground-breaking that I’m having a hard time remembering what question you were addressing. Which is good, cause I’m not even sure that I want to have a one-sided conversation in the school newspaper to determine whether a mother’s milk or sex is better. Regardless, the true answer, the real giver of all life, is sliced bread. I’m not really sure now if I should give you points or not? I do make up the rules, though (you may think of me as God, if you like). So plus zero points.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Surfer: Glycerine and Vaseline.
Skater: Baby fat.

Skater, I have no idea what’s really in baby oil (and I probably never will), but I can guess that it’s not made of baby fat. (Even saying ‘baby fat’ is gross. Or maybe it’s just that the words ‘baby’ and ‘fat’ separately are bad images. Both make me want to squeeze something aggressively.) Whatever it is, I’m sure that parents aren’t going to spread other babies on their own babies (is that what you do with baby oil? Apply it to an infant? For the sake of this column, does it even matter?). Minus 60 points for contributing nothing to the upbringing of my future offspring.

Surfer, I’m familiar with Vaseline. I’ve used it for injuries and chapped lips and such (this natural beauty don’t come cheap), but I didn’t know what glycerine was so I had to look it up in the dictionary. It seems to be a chemical-ish substance used as a laxative or for making explosives? Sounds like some kind of strange brew to me. I ain’t no witch, I don’t partake in any of that voodoo sorcery you call ‘science’, nor do I condone medically-induced bowel movements/use of bombs and the like. But with all the big words you’re using I trust that you know what you’re talking about. Plus 33 points for all the minutes I didn’t spend looking up the real ingredients.

Surfer: 88 points.
Skater: -9 points.
Yay Surfer! You win nothing.