Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Surfer: Paradise.
Skater: New York City.

Skater, what an interesting perspective. I wonder if forest rangers are driven crazy by the quiet of the forest, stuck in their heads all day. Who do they have to talk to? The birds? The bees? Would they have “the talk”? If a forest ranger falls in a forest will the trees hear and try to help him up? For all the limbs they have, trees don’t have many helping hands to offer. So the forest rangers must love the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple. If they fall on a street corner, they’ll probably find a man selling Life Alert outside of Neiman Marcus. Maybe they should set up an exchange program for over-relaxed rangers and over-stressed stock brokers to cultivate cross-occupational understanding. Wow, what a great idea, Me. Hey, thanks Me! And thanks to you, Skater, for inspiring such a brilliant idea. Plus 50 points for every Nobel Peace prize I’ll win for promoting equality and abolishing stereotypes between forest-y hippies and gruff city folk.
Surfer, I’m not sure how to work with “Paradise.” After Skater’s nearly-flawless and ingenius answer, I feel like I’m seeing the world in a new light. While before I might have mindlessly rewarded you with points for no reason, I can no longer return to the cave. As an enlightened judge, I will instead mindlessly take away 30 points.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Surfer: No.
Skater: Yeah, I am one.

Surfer, I like your one-worded answer. Not only does it show that you are strong in your opinion/don’t waste no time foolin’ around, it also gives me more room to drone on about myself. And we – at least I – know how much I like the sound of my own voice. Or, rather, the sound of my own hand typing. While it may make the same sound as everyone else’s hands, I find that there is something distinctly special about my hand typing. Anyways, plus 60 points for letting me talk about me. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of one hand clapping for you.
Skater, if you just went public about bring a closet claustrophobic, I think that means you are no longer in the closet, which means you have nothing constraining you, which means you are no longer closeted, which means you have no reason to be claustrophobic, which basically means you have nothing defining you anymore. I would pity you for your sudden loss of identity, but I feel like I should punish you for not using logic instead. Unless you were being ironic? All the same, there is no place for irony in this column. Minus 20 points.

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Surfer: I guess that’s an option, if you believe.
Skater: I’m trying to in my backyard, but it’s not working.

Surfer, I’m not convinced that you believe your own words. Is that any way to lead a country? To declare yourself a prophet and start your own religion? How will the bird-seekers grow birds if they don’t believe in you because you don’t? I don’t know, Surfer, I just don’t. Minus eight points for each of your empty words.
Skater, that makes me kind of sad. I can tell that you are honestly trying to grow a bird in your backyard from birdseed. I can see it in your sad, birdless eyes. But you know what, if you scatter a bunch of birdseed, a hungry bird will come along eventually and you two will become the best of friends and you’ll fly off on its back into the sunset. Plus 10 points to aid you on your bird-bonding journey.

Surfer: 22 points
Skater: 40 points
Yay Skater! You win nothing.