If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Surfer: Examical.
Skater: Tests are used to measure understanding of the notes we took the previous week.

Surfer, I applaud you. You may have been tempted to answer with a word most commonly associated with the male reproductive system (which we simply cannot print because it would have caused people to giggle and experience mirth, which is not the purpose of this dignified column). Instead you brought an air of magic to the idea of “tests.” Next time I take a test I will approach it with the attitude one might arm oneself with when entering Disneyland. How inspiring! Plus 20 points for the number of self-help books you will write before you die.
Skater, didn’t you hear the first part of my question? I did not simply ask for a definition of test. I was trying to be clever! I think you might be suffering from a selective memory, or maybe you have a concussion, in which case we have bigger problems than trying to find adjectives for “test.” How will you ever pass one if you can’t remember the whole question? Plus 10 points because I pity you.

What keeps duct tape from falling apart?
Surfer: I would say the big friction constant.
Skater: The sticky adhesive on the bottom makes sure it sticks to all matter.

Surfer, that sounds like the kind of complicated, science-y science question I like to avoid. In order to prevent myself from saying something embarrassing and inaccurate and disillusioning my dedicated fans, I will just award you with 30 points.
Skater, nice use of ‘adhesive.’ However, while you sound just as smart as Surfer, I have doubts about your science-y science talk. I mean, water is matter (right?). The ocean is matter. H20 is matter. Does duct tape stick to any of those things? I don’t think so. In this column we only promote the most accurate facts of science, so minus 20 points.

Who do therapists talk to?
Surfer: Their moms.
Skater: They talk to themselves when they sleep.

Surfer, that’s a sweet answer. Those are heavy words though. What you’re really trying to imply is that mothers, capable of calming even the most unstable psycho analysts, are the highest level of authority (well, I mean, besides the Big Guy Up There – the Prime Minister of Canada, obviously). With those two words you thought you could use the press to your advantage to further the political interests of moms everywhere, but guess what – the joke’s on you! Being an expert in both psychos and analysis, I was able to see right through your plot. The readers of this newspaper will not be fooled, thanks to me. Thanks, me! Plus a million points to me, and minus 100 from you for trying to use The Mustang as advertising space for your strange Mommunist ideas.
Skater, you’re probably right. The only friends therapists have to talk to are the ones in their dreams, the only shoulders to cry on are their own! But what a sad, arthritic-and-back-problem-doomed existence. Plus 50 points for bringing awareness to the lonely plight of therapists.

Surfer: -50 points
Skater: 30 points
Yay Skater! You win nothing.