What happens when Pinocchio says “My nose is growing”?
Surfer: “His ears turn blue.”
Skater: “He lies. Then his nose grows.”

Surfer, I don’t think Pinocchio’s ears turn blue when he lies about his nose. But I know your legs are sure getting red from the fire that started on your pants when you lied to me just now about being an expert on Italian folklore. Your nose didn’t grow, and none of your body parts actually changed color/spontaneously combusted, but I just know these things. Your ears only turn blue if someone walks over your grave and talks about you in winter. See? I know things. Now let’s get out of this house of lies before it collapses on us. Minus ten points for putting my life in metaphorical danger.
Skater, how intuitive. I would never have thought of the little wooden boy as a schemer trying to screw over those of us who thought we were being clever and tricky by asking people to solve the paradox of his nose. He may be Gepetto’s puppet, but is it possible that we, too, are puppets of his master mind? Is there a God? What’s the meaning of life? How do zippers work? These are the great questions I struggle with every day. Here’s 15 points for making me – for making all of us – really think.

In “The Lion King,” what was Scar’s name before he got his scar?
Surfer: “I’ll name him Milligan.”
Skater: “His name was always Scar. It’s like if a guy named Doctor became a doctor.”

Skater, you continue to wow me – wow all of us – with your strong sense of logic and your perception of the world and all its wonders. I bet that Scar purposely lived life on the edge once he became aware of the deeper meaning of his name, and set out to get a gnarly scar to provide us with more paradoxical questions about Disney characters. Fortunately we have you to unravel these great questions! You should become a prophet or something. Plus 200 points for holding all the answers.
Surfer, after Skater’s superb performance, yours seems a little subpar. Your lack of cohesive thought process is… like… you know? Minus five just because. (See what I’m doing? Not using logic. How does it feel?)

Why do ships carry cargo while cars carry shipments?
Surfer: “Because the post office wants to confuse us.”
Skater: “On the boat the sailors call it cargo because it came from a car. Once off the boat and in the car, the drivers refer to it as shipments because it came from a ship.”

Surfer, you bring up an interesting point. With the impending doom of no-mail-Saturdays, the USPS is trying to distract the public from this loss of tradition by misleading us with labeling switcheroos. But I won’t be fooled. The lack of mail in my hand on Saturday will weigh as heavy in my heart as the lack of it on every other day. (No one sends me mail except for colleges in states too sunny for my delicate skin. Shout out to Texas Christian University!) Logic may not be the first tool you use to tackle life’s problems, but conspiracy theories are just as effective. Plus 50 points because you bring creativity to the table. You may never become a physicist but you’d make a great struggling artist.
Skater, you, on the other hand, would do very well at some high-paid, logic-y logical logic job. You continue to amaze me – us – with the way you face reality with reality. Plus 10 + 10 + 10 points (I know you can figure that one out on your own).

Surfer: 35 points
Skater: 245 points
Yay Surfer! You win nothing.