If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Surfer: He’s both. It’s also illegal for him to be naked, so he’ll go to jail. He’ll get a new home soon anyway.
Skater: He’s confused.

Surfer, I definitely think that the police’s main concern is not to prevent crimes, but to send animals to jail for public nudity. I mean, what is that dog thinking, exposing itself in public? And by god, don’t those birds know that there are people below them? They might enjoy the feeling of the wind against their naked birdie parts, but I sure don’t appreciate the sight. There needs to be a change!
Surfer, thanks for helping me realize my destiny of writing legislation against public nudity of animals. Minus however many points is the equivalent of the money my parents will have to spend on getting me a proper education and credentials. Let’s just say 10 points. Skater, you didn’t really answer the question but you took it to the next level and delved into the psychological effects of the shell-less-ness on the turtle instead. I’ll just assume that you’re right. Plus 23 points!

How far east can you go before you’re heading west?
Surfer: You’re always heading east. You’ll end up in the west, but you’re heading east.
Skater: East is just a myth.

Do the north/east/south/west mnemonics “Never Eat Shredded Wheat” mean anything to either of you? What about “Never Eat Soggy Waffles”? When I first heard these from my first grade teacher, I resented her attempts to change my eating lifestyle. Not that I’d ever eat soggy waffles or shredded wheat unless forced, but who is she to tell me what to do? Well, It turned out that she could make me do whatever she wanted to as long as my parents didn’t complain.
Whatever. The point is that east is a real direction! This is no conspiracy (and neither is Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s love. That’s truer than true). Otherwise, there would be no “eat” in either of those nice acronyms and no one would be able to use maps and everyone would just run around without purpose, similar to this article. Minus 20 points for both of you for making me question the meaning of everything.

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Surfer: Well, I would wake up from my dream within a dream, and then I’ll open my eyes and wake up.
Skater: I eat first.

That’s interesting, Skater. So after those few hours of slumber you have to eat up a hearty breakfast before you can even lift those delicate eyelids and hope to carry on with the rest of your day. But what happens if, when you’re lying there blindly scooping cereal into your mouth, you start choking? Or even worse, you drop your whole omelet on the floor, pick it up again, then eat it without looking, only to realize as you swallow how many undesirable things you’ve consumed as well. No one wants to start off their day like that. I bet you’re lying to me. Minus 15 points for all the lint you didn’t swallow when you ate your breakfast bright-eyed and beaming yesterday. Surfer, I envy your ability to dream like “Inception,” but I’ll see through the green and give you eight points.

Why are toy hippos always blue when real hippos are brown?
Surfer: Blue hippos are cooler and kids want what’s cooler. Nobody wants to smell a dirty brown hippo.
Skater: There’s a hipster in every species.

Surfer, I was following your logic up until the smelling part. Since when does the color brown automatically make something smelly? I think there might be some sort of psychological play here, where the association of brown with mucky dirt is making you think you’re smelling gross stuff. Just like how Shamrock Shakes aren’t actually mint flavored – they’re just dyed green! Did I just blow your mind, or what? Plus 12 points for giving me the opportunity to enlighten. Skater, I think you just want an excuse to make fun of hipsters. And while “hipster hippo” is indeed fun to say (alliteration!), I’m not going to jump aboard this hipster-hatin’ bandwagon. However, I will climb on over to the hippo-hatin’ wagon. You think they’re cuddly, but they kill more people annually than crocodiles do. Also, their mouths can open up to three feet. I hate them. So much! >:( See that? Angry. Minus eight points, skater, for filling me with angry angry hippo rage.

Surfer: -10
Skater: -20
Yay, Surfer! You win nothing.