When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?
Surfer: Yes, because they make the signs… but no, because they’re on strike.
Skater: No, because if they’re going on strike, then they won’t make signs. They use words. Like Martin Luther King.

Skater, from years of writing essays in English and history classes, we all know that mentioning Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, or Betty White garners instant props, the likes of which no other name-candy can bring about. But the newspaper is not some measly high school class; no props will be given for name dropping! Minus nothing, Skater, cause we can’t take away from the King. Surfer, plus zero also, because your confusion serves to cancel the points out. I guess that means no points either way. Huh. Has this ever happened before? We’ll just say it has. I’m no trend-setter, not like Betty White.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Surfer: Because no one knows what mice taste like. Except for cats. But they’re not the ones making the food.
Skater: Because cats like chicken and fish more.

Surfer, we commend that kind of forward thinking here. Cats should be involved in the cat-food making process. Chef cats, we’ll call them, and they will wear tiny little chef outfits and hats! It’ll be great! Good for marketing, too. Imagine the commercial possibilities! Picture it: a cat, in a kitchen, with some cat food. And the cat is holding a spoon! It’s great! Sublime idea, Surfer. Plus 29 points and a toy mouse. Skater, we looked up the ingredients of cat food, and it looks like there isn’t much chicken or fish, but something called “beef tallow.” Minus 18 points for making me think about what part of the cow that might come from.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Surfer: Employee lounge?
Skater: They go under the city to escape all the peace of the wilderness. Too much peace can drive you insane.

Surfer, I think you’re onto something here. I really can’t imagine anything more relaxing than the cramped atmosphere of an employee lounge: coffee stains gracing every available surface, couches crunchy with long-forgotten chip remnants, and several copies of the May 1996 issue of Cat Fancy. At the very least, this sounds way better than Skater’s idea of going underground. I mean, come on, Skater. I think you’d be driven even more insane hanging around underground, what with the mole people, flushed alligators, and shelled mutant reptiles with strangely artistic names. Where was I going with this again? Oh, yeah, points. Uh, 12 for you, Surfer, and minus 8 for you, Skater.

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Surfer: There’s a thing called partly sunny?
Skater: It’s partly cloudy when there are enough clouds for it to be cold. It’s partly sunny when it’s hot enough for the sun to break through the clouds.

And I thought you were on a roll here, Surfer. I will now illustrate what partly sunny is for your benefit: Imagine a delicious sunny-side-up fried egg. Now sprinkle some clouds on that egg, and now it’s a partly-sunny-side-up egg. Throw it up in the sky, and now you have it: a delicious partly sunny day. Did that help any? I’m good at analogizing my breakfast! You should see what I can do with hush puppies! But still minus 12 points for getting me on this tangent. Skater, that sounds about right. Cold clouds and hot sun? I think you know what you’re talking about, and I sure didn’t take Earth and Space, so plus 42 points.

How fast do hotcakes sell?
Surfer: As fast as hotcakes sell.
Skater: 0.2 seconds.

I am very pleased by the effort it must have taken the both of you to attain this very scientific data. You must have sold literally dozens of hotcakes! And that’s not to mention all the number crunching and algorithm-making and math-math in order to come up with these precise calculations. Good work, guys. I like the initiative you displayed here. 34 points for both of you!

Total:
Surfer: 63 and a cat toy
Skater: 50
Congrats, Surfer! You win nothing.