If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of Congress?
Surfer: What?…progress. Progress.
Skater: Mr. Conn.

I don’t know, Skater, I’m sure that there are further things from Congress than English teacher Justin Conn. The two might be more similar than you think. I mean, already the first syllables are the same. Maybe if Mr. Conn ate more, they could both have a rotunda. See? You just have to think outside of the box, Skater. Minus 5 points. Surfer, nice application of the transitive property to make a harsh criticism of the state of affairs in the nation’s capital. That was such an insightful comment. Plus 9 points.

If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
Surfer: Maybe like a smoothie? Wait, no, prune juice is the same as plum juice. They just lie.
Skater: I think they blend prunes and put them through a strainer.

Of course, Surfer! Prune juice is just a ploy from the man up at Big Prune to fool their unwitting customers (read: the elderly). You’ve uncovered a hidden plot of “National Treasure” magnitude! To unearth the next clue, we have to purchase 32 bottles of prune juice and look underneath the bottle caps, and the serial numbers will spell out a cryptic message that we must decode by 8:56 a.m. or else evil goonies from Prune Juice, Inc. will steal the Declaration of Independence! Plus 64 points for the cost, in dollars, of buying up all these prune juice bottles. Skater, your answer was no fun. Where did your childhood whimsy go? You could at least pretend to believe in a conspiracy. Minus 10 points for the number of years it’s been since you last indulged in youthful wonder.

Why are the numbers on a calculator and phone reversed?
Surfer: To confuse us.
Skater: They’re not. Mine’s normal. I don’t know what everyone else is talking about.

Again with the conspiracies, Surfer? I suppose the prune juice one was kind of feasible, but tell me how realistic this sounds: The scene: The lofty top floor of a skyscraper. The characters: Eccentric Virgin Mobile CEO Richard Branson and president of Texas Instruments, Rich Templeton.
Branson: Ha ha! I’ve got it! Another way we, the top 1 percent, can bring down the lower classes! Reverse the numbers on calculators and phones! This will certainly lower their morale!
Templeton: That’s gold! Those 99 percenters will never be able to keep up with the likes of us! Huzzah!
They clink champagne glasses and proceed to wipe their noses with 100 dollar bills.
See, Surfer? Ridiculous. Minus 91 points for the number of words my miniature screenplay contained. Skater, you didn’t even bother to look at your phone or calculator when I asked the question. How am I supposed to believe your theory if you won’t even show any evidence to back it up? That’s breaking, like, 20 rules from the scientific method. Minus that many points.

Why don’t sheep shrink when they get wet?
Surfer: Because shirts are woven and sheep are in clumps.
Skater: Because if sheep are ever in a pool, or body of water, they’d drown anyway. You can’t tell if they’re shrunken if they’re dead.

Skater, your logic here is just plain baa-d. Do ewe really think that sheep wool-d have survived for 54 million years if they drowned every time they hit water? Come on, give Mother Nature a little credit; I’m sure she’s just shaking her head thinking, “Thanks for mutton.” You must have been sheep-ing during biology. And I’m pretty sure that you can shear-ly tell if something is shrunken or not even if it isn’t alive. Haven’t you ever seen, or even shep-heard of a mummy before? Fleece just stop with the fuzzy logic; the reasoning center of my brain is bleat-ing. Maybe some brain teasers will get you into sheep shape. Minus 9 points for the pun ram-page that I just went on. Aah, there’s another one! Surfer, I actually think that you might have the correct answer, but all these sheep puns have made me too tired to look it up. I give you 18 points.

Totals:
Surfer: 0
Skater: -44

Huzzah, Surfer! As our winner, you have earned the glorious prize of gloating rights. Don’t use it all up in one place!