If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water, how did she ever bathe?
Junior: Ah, she don’t. She’s all natural.
Senior: Umm, she didn’t? I mean, yeah, she didn’t ever! (laughs) That’s really gross!

ME: Junior, you didn’t seem to be very horrified by this fact… and that glimmer in your eyes is just creeping me out. I understand if you are a big fan of “natural” hygiene habits, but that doesn’t mean I want to know about it. Minus 14 points and please, stand a little farther away. Senior, you got a little giggly there, but thank you for your overall normal response. You’ve restored my faith in humanity and the powers of sanitation. Plus 12 points!

Where did Webster look up definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Junior: Wikipedia.
Senior: He made them up.

ME: Junior, you should teach AP US History. Yes, indeed, to complete the first comprehensive American dictionary, Noah Webster booted up his 18th century computer and went straight to Ye Olde Wikipedia. There, he found the definitions of everything from “gunpowder” to “fo shiz.” Maybe he used Dictionary.com-eth while he was at it. Minus 1828 points. Senior, have you no confidence in our dawg Noah? (Actually, I did use Wikipedia to fact-check this, and Webster did invent some new words such as “skunk” and “squash!”) Plus 100 points. You got lucky.

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Junior: Um… uh… because chance doesn’t care how fat or skinny you are.
Senior: They don’t. Fat chance means you have a good chance… slim chance means a bad chance.

ME: Junior, you speak like a self-help guru. You make chance sound like the nicest guy to come along since Gandhi! Plus five hundred (!) points for channeling the benevolence. Senior… it’s a “fat chance” you’ve never heard of the saying: “fat chance.” In fact, the chance is so fat, that it’s practically obese. It’s developed diabetes and has a body mass index of 35! In fact, minus 35 points for your LIES. You knew what it meant all along, didn’t you??

What happens when you swallow your pride?
Junior: You poop out dignity.
Senior: You lose the lion within you, but you become a tiger.

ME: Junior, when your answer turns to defecation, you know you have a serious problem. I had no idea that the combination of stomach acid plus an intangible human emotion could create such feces… dignified feces. Minus 40000 points, for making me use the word feces twice. Now three times! Senior, your answer made me laugh, cry, and face my darkest fears, but mostly cry. I cannot make a single ounce of sense out of what you just said. Minus 40000 points as well, because the feces debacle still haunts me. Noooooooooooooo, that makes it four! Curse you, Junior! Curse you for making my last word in all of my high school journalism career “poop!”

SCORE:

Junior: -41,342

Senior: -39,923

Congratulations, Senior, on a smashing win!