How to make the perfect Thanksgiving meal in twenty minutes

Oh my goodness! You guys, no one told me I hadn’t updated my incredibly famous food blog in over a year! Y’all know my email, fartinghamsters@gmail.com, is always open! 

However, don’t try to reach me by phone– the cave I have been living since that stupid family kicked me out after they caught me eating a bag of shredded cheese from their fridge last year has left me more or less homeless and unable to pay my phone bill.

It’s kind of nice, though– I have been enjoy-ing a wonderful break from the news! Last thing I remember is that Trump got impeached– America is finally getting back on track!  

And well, well, well, look at the date– it’s Thanksgiving! Wow, you really waited until the last possible second to cook something for those ungrateful piglets you call a family. Well, good news, I am here to help! 

Let’s start with the stuffing. I’m vegan, so it is all I can eat, as we learned that green beans and sweet potatoes are grown from the earth which is fertilized by cow manure and is therefore an animal product. 

You know what stuffing reminds me of? My girlfriend. Get those thoughts out of your heads, pervs, because I’m not talking about that (that, being the unfortunate fact that yes, my girlfriend stuffs her bra)– I’m talking about how stuffy her nose is. 

After we reconciled our relationship– which included me returning her creepy cherub figurine and promising to never, ever cook for her again (still don’t understand that one), my girlfriend moved back in with me! And it was great, except that I was– and still am– living in a verifiable cave on the side of a mountain. She has been a good sport, though, even without the internet access. 

She went shopping one day though and came back with a stuffy nose, a coughing fit, and a high fever. I told her to sit at the opposite end of the cave because yuck, cooties, but it’s still hard to get any thinking done over the sound of her sniffling. 

So, I’ve started venturing out! I finally got a library card after a long and tortured past with the public library (don’t ask), and now I finally have internet access to update this blog! 

It’s kind of weird, though– everyone is wearing masks and dodging my attack-hugs like they were trained by the library techs who revoked my library card all those years ago. Fashion trends, I guess. People are worried my passionate form of greeting will jostle their perfectly-coiffed facial coverings. Okay, Einstein, you do you.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Suddenly I’m the weird one for not wearing a mask! I learned the hard way back in 2017 that wearing a mask was not the best way to make a good impression. It was topical, Sharon! You saw the 4chan posts– clown masks were all the rage! Not my fault that the other wedding guests didn’t follow through! 

Though, I did neglect to bring a knife like all my buddies over on 4chan– that would have completed the look. I just figured my massive triceps were plenty intimidating. 

Anyway, back to the recipe! What even is stuffing? Probably a vegetable. At least, those are what my girlfriend uses to stuff her bra. Same principle. 

First step is to grow your own vegetables! I know y’all are reading this recipe day-of and you probably don’t have access to the bone meal I swiped off that kid from the Target parking lot in exchange for something called “V-bucks,” but try your best. My veggies are all crooked and bristly and as red as the face of the mom of that kid, which I think means they’re healthy. 

Secondly, you’ll need to dig up the vegetable because it’s probably a root vegetable, right? And thirdly, run, because whatever you planted was not a vegetable, and your girlfriend, who got too close to the thing, has begun to tap dance uncontrollably and chant in Russian, and your two days spent on Duolingo only taught you how to say “there is a bike.” Well, you were looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. 

Well, here is a link to the recipe! Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ