All obligatory “Hips Don’t Lie” jokes aside, I found Shakira’s self-titled album “Shakira” to be almost as useless as Wycleaf Jean’s role in the music video for “Hips Don’t Lie.”

It is rumored that “The Voice” star has been working on the album since 2007, while Bush was still president. Perhaps Bush himself had a hand in this musical production, as the album was almost as convoluted and poorly constructed as the former president’s foreign policy decisions.

The tracks all sounded the same, blending together like the five hour, three day long premiere of “The Voice” season 6. The only contradiction bigger than the title “Can’t Remember to Forget You” is her collaboration with Blake Shelton. “Medicine” felt like someone took a bottle of Colombian Ají Picante hot sauce and poured it into a gallon of Chic-fil-a’s Southern sweet tea and called it “unexpected” and “edgy.”

The only song I found to be interesting enough to hold my attention for the full length was “Empire.” Perhaps that was largely because she was shouting more than actually singing.

My extensive knowledge of Spanish supplied by all two years of studying the language really came in handy when deciphering the titles of the last two tracks. I have come to the conclusion that the track “Loca por Ti” could either translate to “Crazy for You” or more likely, “Crazy for Tea.” Either way, I did appreciate how Shakira seemed to cater to her Spanish-speaking fans.

In sum  I would be more likely to buy the soundtrack to “Mean Girls 2” or “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” before I paid to hear another six minutes of this album.